Apartment Above Lukes, Tuesday Evening

[spin_kick_snap]

So, technically, Kathy's plan was to make tacos for dinner, but no one would know that from the state of the kitchen. She'd decided to make homemade guacamole (because what were tacos other than tasty vehicles for guac?) and now all the taco fixings were kind of pushed off to one side while she finished mashing up the avocados and chopping the cilantro and prepping the other stuff.

And texting Dante, because making tacos was the perfect opportunity for jokes, right? Especially with her shoulder still a little red from Pride?

Looking forward to putting all the tacos into my face tonight, she said, continuing their lazy conversation. No more sausage for me, but tacos are always the way to my...heart.

Comments

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante took a big gulp of his alcoholic Coke. "You know he's worried we're going to ditch him because he won't go doggy-style in an alleyway," he said, more to lighten the mood than anything else.

He needed a few moments to collect his thoughts before he said anything else.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy blinked at Dante for a few seconds in confusion and then started giggling so hard her soda splashed over the rim. "You're exaggerating." He had to be. "I mean, he asked me if I was okay with him not being into stuff like that, but I..." She shook her head. "I told him that I loved him for who he was and didn't spend time wishing he was different."

[rebelseekspizza]

"No, really," Dante said, grinning. "I told him about our trip to the truck stop and he got real worried he wasn't giving us what we needed by not having any truck stop sex."

He sipped his drink again. Still thinking, yep.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Truck stop sex isn't exactly a need, though," Kathy said. "I mean, I like it and I'm happy to enjoy it with you, but it's never going to be on my list of things my relationships have to have in order to work out."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Oh yeah," Dante said. He smiled a little, partly to himself. "Told him that, too. I don't need that from him."

And... there went the rest of his drink. Okay. Talking. Yes.

"You and me, though. I said it before, I don't know where it's going to go," he said slowly. "Sometimes I worry you're going to need something from me I can't give. Like, Anders? I didn't see that coming until it hit me like a freight train. Even though it might've even started before you died."

He eyed the remains of his drink. "You ask me now, are we gonna be that close, like, ever? I'm gonna say no. Everything in me does. But I would've been the same if you'd asked me that question about him back in June last year. You know?"

Did she? He searched her expression.

[spin_kick_snap]

Her gaze was clear and direct when she looked at him, no shadows or hidden longing. "I don't expect you to," she said, frankly. "It isn't something I ever expected from you. I'm not in love with you, either." Hopefully that would make him feel a little better about their talk.

She could be, one day, but that was why she'd put up the walls around her heart. To stop that nonsense before it started and ruined everything between them.

[rebelseekspizza]

"It's not just about love or not, though, is it?" Dante said, reaching for his beer to get the dregs out of that, too. "I feel-- safe, I guess. Around Anders."

Those couple of words sounded a lot like wringing moisture from a stone.

"I feel a lot of things," he said, "And a big part of that's just because it is what it is. Didn't come with expectations or wanting or needing or asking questions about whether this is good or that's good, or..." He trailed off.

"It was always about today," he settled on. "I don't know how to do this with tomorrow hanging over my head, Kathy, and you've always been about tomorrow."

[spin_kick_snap]

It always came back to that, didn't it? Wants, needs, expectations. Selfishness. No matter how hard she tried to excise them, those traits seemed permanently ingrained in her. In who she was.

Just act natural indeed.

"Safe is important," she said quietly. "I'm glad he can give you that."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante rubbed his face with both his hands, feeling like he was going about this exactly the wrong way, without knowing which way the right way went.

"I'm sorry," he said.

He just wished he could give her reassurance without feeling like he was lying or, at the very least, crafting some kind of fantasy.

"It'd be good to be a team again," he said. "I believe that. But what I keep saying is... we have to take this one day at a time. One brick at a time. What you're hoping for isn't something you build in a week or a month or maybe even six months. It just happens. With time."

The part of him that jumped out of its skin every time anyone expected anything of it had grown smaller over the years, but it was still there, twitching.

[spin_kick_snap]

That was exactly how she felt all the time. On the verge of doing the wrong thing without having the least clue of what 'right' was.

"I wasn't trying to say otherwise," Kathy said, feeling very tired. "The whole reason we got here wasn't because I was trying to talk about where we are or where we're going. I don't need the reminder that this takes time and I'm only going to make things worse if I try to rush it." That much, she knew was right.

"Basically, my whole point boils down to me not saying anything about what's going on in my head because I don't know which of it is going to jeopardize that concept of team we're all working towards. I know we're not going to get there in a matter of weeks or even months. I know we've made a lot of progress in the time that we've had. I'm not trying to pressure us getting to 'team' faster, I'm telling you I spend a lot of time not knowing if the next thing I say is going to hit the gas pedal, the brake, and or the reverse."

She drained her glass, feeling deflated. Hollowed out, maybe. "I don't have a timeline or a schedule or an agenda for us getting to 'team.' I don't have some grand idea of what 'team' is or should feel like. I just want to be able to talk to you without being afraid I'm fucking everything up when I do."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante would say he needed more booze, but they'd started this conversation with Kathy more fired up than he was, and they were still there.

"Okay," he said. He pried the other label off of his bottle. "I don't think the handling on this thing is as sensitive as it was six months ago. Or even one."

He put the label down on the table.

"Maybe we need an emergency system for the times it does get outta hand, but I'm not that touchy anymore."

Even if these conversations did end increasingly in him feeling guilty about not getting with the program faster. Even if she didn't mean for it.

[spin_kick_snap]

Hey, there was a whole bottle of rum on the counter. And more booze elsewhere. There was probably more alcohol in the apartment than was strictly healthy, but who was going to argue?

"I'm just...worried," Kathy said. "Maybe it's just time, or maybe it's just familiarity, or whatever." She bit her lip, then shrugged, throwing caution to the wind. "It just worries me that all the progress we made was after I decided to hold myself back." She gave a small smile, inviting him to find the dark humor in it. "We made more progress when I was less...me."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Aw, fuck."

Yeah, that had never been Dante's intention.

[spin_kick_snap]

Didn't have to be intention. Might just be what he responded to. That was her fear. That they just liked her better that way.

She shrugged. "Yeah," she said, draining her glass. "Like I said, it's probably just a factor of time, of things getting less raw. Of me being, like, more sane."

But.

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't wanna do this to you, Kat," Dante said, watching her. "I don't wanna be the guy who cuts you down."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I know," she told him. "And I'm not trying to make you feel responsible for my issues. I'm just--I'm difficult. I know I am." She laughed, a little rueful. "I bet you and Anders never have these kinds of conversations, huh?"

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante laughed softly. "Yeah, not really," he said.

He and Anders tended to talk about something once, if it came up, get to the crux of it, and then move on.

"But seriously, Kathy... if this is all it's ever gonna be between you and me? All this shit you're putting yourself through, would it be worth it?"

[[ thanks for not telling me you didn't send this, DW... ]]

[spin_kick_snap]

"Depends on what you mean by 'this,'" Kathy said bluntly. "This, like, just friends?" Or whatever they were. Kathy wasn't going to worry over it. "Yes."

No hesitation.

"It's hard. Sometimes I don't even like you. Sometimes I kind of resent you. So it's not like I'm I'm sitting here all starry-eyed, hoping for a happily ever after. I miss things being easy between us. But it's worth it even when it's hard."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante nodded, some part of him relaxing.

Despite all of her claims about getting it, about not getting ahead of herself, the weight of her hopes was still sometimes-- suffocating.

But if she was okay with things as they were...

"Okay," he said. "Good."

[spin_kick_snap]

"So, about my mixers," Kathy said, giving him a smile. She was pretty done with heavy talking right now. She was far too exhausted to keep going. "I've got raspberry margarita mix, not strawberry just to spite you."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Eh, I'll live," Dante said.

On an impulse, he reached for her hand.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy looked at him, surprised, before linking her fingers through his. "Aww, and here I was hoping that it would just mean more margaritas for me. Gotta get ready for Mexico, you know."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante gave her fingers a squeeze. Look, none of that had been easy on her.

"Sorry. You're gonna have to steal your excess margaritas from Anders later," he said. "I gotta drink too."

[spin_kick_snap]

Or him, either and Kathy appreciated that.

"Which reminds me...any interest in showing up in Mexico?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"If you guys want me there, sure," Dante said. "Not like the school kicked my ass for playing hooky last time."