Baltimore, Sunday Night

[spin_kick_snap]

It had been another bad day. The worst part was, there had been nothing that had made it a bad day. It wasn't like there was rhyme or reason for it, but for some reason as the sun went down and the lights came on over the water, Kathy been struck anew by grief, her breath thick in her throat, her eyes burning with tears. Maybe the lights had reminded her of LA. Or maybe they'd reminded her of happier, easier times, when everything was good. More than good. Perfect. She'd known what she was doing and why--everything had made sense. She'd had a plan and every step she'd taken had moved her closer to her goals.

Now she had no plan, no goals other than 'make it through the day.' Some days, she felt good, like she was making progress, uncovering bits and pieces of herself that she'd thought she'd lost, trying to fit them into the person she was now like shards of a broken mirror. Other days, like today, she felt like she was drowning and every breath was a struggle around the thick weight of grief and regret and pain that sat on her chest like a creature out of myth. Most days were somewhere in-between, an odd muted gray as she fumbled her way, uncertain whether she was moving forward or backwards or even off to the side.

Like she did so many nights, she made her way to Baltimore. This time, she found herself on a rooftop somewhere, staring down at the city. She didn't think she'd even stood on this particular building as Banzai before, but still the vantage point and the angles were so familiar that the ache she felt sharpened to the point of true pain. But the tears stayed where they were, locked away, and instead she just sat, staring at the city, at the life, she'd once called hers and waited for it to pass.

It would pass, right?



[For one and up early for SP]

Comments

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante opened his mouth and tried to start on an answer that was all about Kathy, not him. He tried it several times.

He failed. He sighed.

"When I was a kid," he said slowly, "They'd always tell me I was a monster, disgusting, a sack of shit, all that. And all that was going on in the rest of my life was... violence and death. It just kept being that, over and over, disgusting and degrading and pain and blood--"

He cut himself off.

"... I started wondering," he said. "Maybe they were right. But I felt like they weren't. It got-- I started wondering if I even had a heart in me."

[spin_kick_snap]

That was one way to rouse her out of the depths of her own misery. For a moment, she very much wished one of those demons were here, she'd show him what a monster really looked like.

For a much longer moment, she wished she felt comfortable enough around him to offer him a hug. Comfort. Anything.

"They weren't right," she whispered, fiercely. "Not about any of it." Which, of course, he already knew, but it needed saying anyway. At least if you were Kathy. "...What did you do?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"Let's say I went a lot further than pinching myself to feel something," Dante said.

After a long, long silence.

"So no, I don't think it's weird."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy was reminded of their first real conversation, that night in the boys' bathroom. How wild and angry he'd been, seething under the surface.

"What changed for you?" she asked. "I mean, I know finding Vergil helped but even before him, you were..."

Not so angry. Not so feral. Not so prone to hurting himself just to feel.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Found out I could have stuff that wasn't just fighting or fucking all the time," Dante said. "I guess."

He stretched his legs out, leaned back on the palms of his hands.

[spin_kick_snap]

Nothing she could steal and use for herself then. Dammit.

"You think once you take out Mundus, the rest of the demons will leave you alone?"

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante'd never had stability before Fandom. Just having it had been a massive change.

"I don't know," he said. "We'll see. I'll kill any shit-sucking demon that comes after me anyway."

[spin_kick_snap]

And she'd been part of that. Until, well, you know.

"I don't think anyone's doubting that," she said. "I was just wondering if killing him will bring you...closure, or something."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't know," Dante repeated.

He looked at Kathy again. "You looking for closure?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"I don't know. Probably?" Kathy shook her head. "I feel lost and adrift. Clinging to the past, trying to relive it, something. Everything's changed and nothing will go back to the way it was last year no matter how much I want it to. So I need to learn to give that all up and just accept how everything is now."

You know, single, orphaned, no future plans, with a fraught relationship with her bestie, where neither Ezra nor Dante were interested.

...Yeah, weird that she hadn't fully embraced this.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Or make something else out of it," Dante said, shrugging slightly. "It's not gonna be like it used to be, but it doesn't have to be how it is, either, right?"

Kinda something on his mind lately too. Somehow.

[spin_kick_snap]

Go figure.

"I'm even less sure of how to do that than how to accept where I currently am," Kathy said. "I just know I'm not happy. Which sounds so stupid. 'Boo hoo hoo, I'm not happy.'" She rolled her eyes at herself, then subsided. "But I'm not. And building something new...it's not something I can do by myself."

She thought about leaving it there, she really did. But Kathy was utterly tired of tiptoeing around and it was easier to be blunt right now than careful.

"Is that something you'd even want to do?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"...I don't know," Dante said. It felt scary and weird to talk about. "When Mundus is dead, maybe."

[spin_kick_snap]

Scary and weird to talk about? You didn't say.

"Because even though you're not mad anymore, you're still...something," Kathy surmised. "And that something is okay on a superficial level but nothing beyond that."

[rebelseekspizza]

A long pause.

"No," Dante said. "That's not it." Beat. "That's you."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I mean, you're not wrong," Kathy said. "I'm only okay on a superficial level. But I meant...between us, I guess."

[rebelseekspizza]

Oh. That.

Dante blew out a breath. He stared up at the stars.

"I can't trust you," he said.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Because I'm going to bounce up and fling myself at the next ex invasion that comes along?" Kathy asked dryly.

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't know, Kat. Maybe not this month," he said. "Or next month."

Damn it. Now Dante wished he had a drink.

[spin_kick_snap]

She'd offered the out!

"But at some point, I'm going to bail on you," she supplied.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Yeah."

Dante... couldn't really get around that.

At least the stars were pretty.

"Funny, right?" he said. "I'm supposed to be the one who can stick his dick in whatever if he thinks it'll get him off."

[spin_kick_snap]

"The one who manages to bring up that he likes it rough in pretty much any conversation?" Kathy asked with a trace of a smile. It faded quickly. "You haven't been that guy in a long time, Dante. And it's not like this is just about getting laid for me, either."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't know," Dante said. Again. But honestly. "You and Anders are the ones who do all the complex emotions bullshit."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Yeah, but it's not like you don't have them," Kathy pointed out. "Just because you don't like to talk about them doesn't mean they're not there. Or is the reason we're not sleeping together because you're terribly concerned about me?"

It wasn't and she knew it.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante dropped back the rest of the way onto the roof. It felt like the right time.

"No."