Baltimore, Sunday Night

[spin_kick_snap]

It had been another bad day. The worst part was, there had been nothing that had made it a bad day. It wasn't like there was rhyme or reason for it, but for some reason as the sun went down and the lights came on over the water, Kathy been struck anew by grief, her breath thick in her throat, her eyes burning with tears. Maybe the lights had reminded her of LA. Or maybe they'd reminded her of happier, easier times, when everything was good. More than good. Perfect. She'd known what she was doing and why--everything had made sense. She'd had a plan and every step she'd taken had moved her closer to her goals.

Now she had no plan, no goals other than 'make it through the day.' Some days, she felt good, like she was making progress, uncovering bits and pieces of herself that she'd thought she'd lost, trying to fit them into the person she was now like shards of a broken mirror. Other days, like today, she felt like she was drowning and every breath was a struggle around the thick weight of grief and regret and pain that sat on her chest like a creature out of myth. Most days were somewhere in-between, an odd muted gray as she fumbled her way, uncertain whether she was moving forward or backwards or even off to the side.

Like she did so many nights, she made her way to Baltimore. This time, she found herself on a rooftop somewhere, staring down at the city. She didn't think she'd even stood on this particular building as Banzai before, but still the vantage point and the angles were so familiar that the ache she felt sharpened to the point of true pain. But the tears stayed where they were, locked away, and instead she just sat, staring at the city, at the life, she'd once called hers and waited for it to pass.

It would pass, right?



[For one and up early for SP]

Comments

[rebelseekspizza]

"Another round of all of this before she starts sobering up again," Dante said, waving at their drinks.

Then he leaned over to steal a nacho. "Fine. So that one's off the list too. Got any topics left?"

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy was digging into her nachos too enthusiastically to respond for a few moments. Vegetarian, but with plenty of cheese and hot peppers to make up for it. "Oh, like you were pining over the chance to debate that with me," she said, taking a moment to breathe. She nudged the plate towards him in invitation and the world was already a little steadier. "I'm thinking about getting another tattoo."

[rebelseekspizza]

"What kind?" Dante asked.

His eyebrows had shot up some during the past minute or so, but he wasn't so changed that he'd pass up on free nachos.

He crammed a bunch in his mouth.

[spin_kick_snap]

What? He'd seen her eat before! Though maybe not that fast or that intensely. Look, Kathy's caloric needs hadn't changed, only her appetite had. When her stomach finally got around to accepting food, she was generally ravenous.

Drinking helped her remember to be hungry. Good to keep in mind.

"On my shoulder," she said, gesturing to the spot that she swore still burned sometimes, though whenever she looked, the skin was as smooth and unmarked as ever. "A circle made up of Korean characters." Beat. "Names."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Names," Dante echoed.

He looked-- worried, maybe.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Yeah," Kathy said. Then-- "What? Why is your face doing that?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"What kinda names?" Dante asked.

[spin_kick_snap]

"My parents. Sarah. Mine," Kathy said, still looking confused. "Maybe even Midknight and Cairax. Why? Whose names did you think I'd be putting there?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"Nothing," Dante said, sagging back in his seat. "Just wondering how many people you were planning to carry along."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy peered at him. "Really," she said, dubious. "You're not freaking out because you thought I was gonna put yours or Anders' or something...?"

Because that would be weird. And while, sure, she was still weird about them, there were limits, Dante.

[rebelseekspizza]

...

No, seriously.

...

"What?" Dante said, staring at her.

No, Kathy, that thought hadn't crossed his mind even a second.

[spin_kick_snap]

"What what?" Kathy asked. "No, you what! You just got all weird when I mentioned names and that was the most weirdest thing I could think of why you would!"

[rebelseekspizza]

"You didn't answer me when I asked what names," Dante retorted. "I was worried you were gonna write everyone on yourself who-- nevermind."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Everyone who died?" she asked. "Or just everyone I personally killed." She looked away, scrubbing at her face. "I don't know most of their names. It wasn't like they were introducing themselves to me. If they said anything it was usually 'Please' or 'Stop' or 'God.'"

She hesitated a moment before adding, "I was thinking about tickmarks on my inner wrist for those, but hadn't decided anything yet."

[rebelseekspizza]

"You're gonna have to move on sometime," Dante said, "After that, you might hate the marks."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I'm not supposed to like them," Kathy pointed out. "They're a reminder. Of what happens when I rush in, try to be a hero. I didn't just let people die. I actively k--" She looked around at the people nearby and lowered her voice. "Well, you know. And that's on me. It always will be, whether I move on or not."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I'd say it's more on the people who let you run around the city free," Dante said quietly.

And then slammed back one of his own shots.

[spin_kick_snap]

"They put me in the Observatory," Kathy protested weakly. "I just didn't stay there."

[rebelseekspizza]

"They left you in the middle of nowhere and figured it'd be good," Dante said. "That's fucking stupid."

[spin_kick_snap]

"True enough," Kathy said. "But the only smart alternative is a knife through the brain. And I'm only nihilistic enough to want that two nights out of seven."

She flashed him a smile, like she was joking.

[rebelseekspizza]

Yeah, Dante wasn't smiling back.

"Those deaths aren't all on you," he said. "Maybe even not at all."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I know that. Intellectually," Kathy said, dropping the smile and her eyes. "But it sure doesn't feel like it when I can remember ripping into someone's throat."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante nudged one of his remaining shots across the table, to her. "I get that," he said. "But putting that on your body when it ain't right intellectually doesn't seem healthy."

[spin_kick_snap]

"There's a lot we do that isn't exactly healthy," Kathy said, gesturing to the empty shot glasses that littered the edge of the table. And then picked up the one he passed her. "Doesn't matter if it's my fault or not, those people are dead and it's because of me. That's never going to go away, even if I come to terms with it. And...maybe it shouldn't. Next time I'm on the precipice of doing something incredibly stupid, maybe those hashmarks on my wrist will remind me that there's more than just me at stake."

[rebelseekspizza]

"If you haven't figured that out yet, no tattoo's gonna save you," Dante said, and slammed back the last of his shots.