Apartment Above Luke's, Tuesday

[spin_kick_snap]

It was Tuesday. Kathy knew she was supposed to be getting to work sometime this afternoon, doing stock or cleaning or trying to find people to come work for her or any number of countless, pointless projects. She had a routine and routines were important, at least according to what little poking around she'd done on the computer for Helpful tips when you're a basket case. But she couldn't summon the energy to get up off the couch today. Hell, getting out of bed had been a titanic struggle and the only reason she'd managed a shower at all was because she'd sat on the floor of the tub and just let the water run over her for most of it.

It sucked. She'd really thought she was doing better. She'd been okay for a few days there, genuinely happy and smiling and laughing. The kids had been great distractions while they'd been there, but they were gone now, leaving a hole in Kathy's heart and the promise of a future that seemed further away than ever, today. From 'okay' to 'utter distaster' in just twelve hours, only this time she didn't even have the outlet of fighting in Baltimore to try to channel some of this bullshit into. All she had was Hulu and about a million seasons of Hades' Kitchen to get through while she tried very hard not to think about what Saturday had been or her alternate reality daughter with her dead sister's name.

"You're never going to impress him with that mess," she informed the TV from inside her comfy cocoon of blanket. "It looks like you threw up on a plate. Way to just hand the victory to the blue team, ladies, jeez."

[Open, though I'll be off to bed soon.]

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"We can both be sorry then," Kathy declared, tears gathering in her eyes again. She'd probably be crying even if this weren't a weepy-kind of day. "I was awful and I said some even more awful things, and..."

[soniaroadsqueen]

Ringo wanted to deny it, to reassure Kathy that she hadn't done anything bad, but she couldn't quite do that. So she just settled for clinging tightly and trying to catch enough of a breath to get some coherent words out.

"I've missed you so much."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I've missed you, too," Kathy said, petting Ringo's hair. "But I'm not sure that you've got me back." Wait, no that wasn't quite right. "Rather, I'm not sure how much of the original me is back to not miss anymore."

[soniaroadsqueen]

That earned Kathy a shake of Ringo's head, which basically just meant getting eyeliner smeared onto her shirt.

"You're still my senpai, though, right?" she insisted, half-afraid Kathy might shoot that down.

They could work out the details later.

[spin_kick_snap]

"I...I don't know, Ringo," Kathy confessed. "I'm not sure how great a senpai I am. You can do better than someone who fucks off and gets killed and then comes back a broken mess."

You could point to almost anybody on the island and find someone who had more of their shit together than Kathy did. What kind of role-model was that supposed to serve?

[soniaroadsqueen]

That pulled Ringo up short. She didn't pull away, but she stilled.

Her voice was soft, hesitant. "Do you, do you not want to be my senpai anymore?"

Because as much as Ringo wanted her, it wouldn't be fair to make Kathy take on a role she didn't want anymore.

[spin_kick_snap]

"I--I'm not sure," Kathy said, looking down at her hands. "No, that's not true. I do want to be, I'm just not sure if I can. I think we need to talk."

That was swiftly becoming her least favorite phrase in any language.

"I don't know if you really get just how messed up I am. You might not even want me to be your senpai anymore. You probably shouldn't anyway."

[soniaroadsqueen]

Ringo was uncharacteristically quiet for a couple of seconds, then she shook her head.

"I haven't changed my mind yet?" she offered. "I, um, haven't seen anything that would make me."

She wanted to add that there was nothing that would ever make her, but Kathy seemed so worried that she felt like it'd be disrespectful to just, well, sort of dismiss those worries.

[spin_kick_snap]

"I haven't shown you a lot, either," Kathy said. "I was trying to hide it for awhile. Kind of that whole 'fake it till you make it' kind of thing? But that didn't really work out so well."

Mostly because there wasn't a 'making it' in her immediate future.

"I'm lost and scared and broken. I don't know who I am or what I want or what I should be doing. I'm not going to be much use to you as a mentor if I can't figure my own shit out. I can't even really focus on you, while I try to figure my own shit out. That's how I missed Crazy Apple. And why she came out anyway."

Oh hello there, guilt.

[soniaroadsqueen]

Ringo licked her lips, considering that.

"That was just me running away," she said quietly. Everyone had said so. And they'd seemed to agree that it was a sign of weakness, so Ringo didn't want anyone feeling bad for her own failures.

She shook her head, pushing away that thought, and took a deep breath.

"Is there stuff that you want to, um, show me? I mean, we, um, I don't want to leave things the way they've been since you came back?" With neither of them talking to each other. It felt, in some ways, worse to have Kathy around but absent than to have her dead.

[spin_kick_snap]

"There's nothing 'just' about running away," Kathy said. "You needed time to deal and handle and cope. I get it. I get it a lot. It wasn't the healthiest way to get the space you needed, but it probably wasn't as bad as joining an underground fighting ring and nearly getting arrested for it."

She nudged Ringo. "I get why you needed Crazy Apple when you were defending the Thorn Road. But if you need help, you've got people here who would. You just have to ask--to really ask, not just hint and hope someone's gonna pick up on it." Kathy sighed and shook her head. "I also get why you don't always feel like you can ask. It's hard. It's scary. And there aren't a whole lot of people who go out of their way to make themselves welcoming."

[soniaroadsqueen]

"Well, and everyone has more important things to deal with than my stuff. I mean, Dante's got the whole thing with his brother. Even dealing with having a brother is bigger than my stuff."

Ringo glanced over, lip twitching slightly. "And, well, you know better than me what you've got to think about."

So it wasn't even fair for Ringo to demand attention for herself.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Then you ask," Kathy said. "You trust we'll tell you that we've got enough energy to listen and help--or you trust we'll tell you that we don't. And you can't tell me you haven't figured out that sometimes it's easier to focus on someone else's issues than your own."

Well, you COULD try telling her that, Ringo. She'd call bullshit though.

[soniaroadsqueen]

Yeah. Ringo wasn't going to try telling anyone that.

She just nodded, the gesture a very small one.

"It's hard to get rejected," she said softly before squaring her shoulders slightly. "But. I'll try."

Not that anyone had actually rejected her so far. At least not when she needed to talk.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Is it any better to be her?" Kathy asked. "Not easier. Better."

[soniaroadsqueen]

"I don't know," Ringo mumbled.

Except that she did. A choice between the heartbreak of rejection and the shame of being Crazy Apple, well, not much of a choice. Shame hurt for a lot longer than heartbreak.

So, yeah, it was pretty unlikely that Kathy didn't know Ringo's real answer.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy pushed her. "Try again," she said. "Or I'm pushing you off the couch entirely. Keeping the bakery box though."

[soniaroadsqueen]

"Greedy," Ringo accused brattily.

But she sighed and nodded.

"I don't like being her at all." Another sigh. "So I guess that's worse? But I don't want either!"

Couldn't everything just work out perfectly all the time? That'd be so much easier!

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy would have been fond of that option. But she'd be the first to say that wasn't how it worked.

"There's a lot of stuff nobody wants," she said. "But we don't get a choice in it. Our only choice is how we deal with it."

Or not deal, as the case might be.

[soniaroadsqueen]

"Yeah." Ringo didn't have to be happy about the concession, but she did admit it.

"I'll do better." Or at least she'd try.

She took a deep breath.

"Okay. So, really I should feel kind of embarrassed. I came to apologize, and to listen to you, and all we've done is talk about me."

Ringo offered Kathy a slightly embarrassed smile and fidgeted with her hands. "Sorry."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Don't be," Kathy said. "Easier to talk about someone else, you know?"

She sighed and got up off the couch, trailing a blanket behind her like a broken queen. "It was a year Saturday, you know. I think most people lost track. I don't know how that makes me feel. Any of it. A year ago today, though...I lost everything. My life. My family. My sister. I'd trade everything to get Sarah back. I'd let all of LA burn to get her back. I'd go back to being dead or worse, an ex, if I knew that would bring her to life again."

[soniaroadsqueen]

Ringo nodded, but the movement was small. She couldn't look away from Kathy, eyes locked on a girl who looked so familiar, but didn't move like she once had.

"I understand." Ringo had sisters of her own, after all.

[spin_kick_snap]

A lot of the fluidity, the hard-worn comfort in her own body had deserted Kathy. She moved a little too carefully, like she was tired.

Or like she wasn't entirely sure she fit into the body she was inhabiting yet.

"I figured you would," she said.

[soniaroadsqueen]

"Well. I guess I don't really," Ringo admitted. "But I think I can kind of imagine, at least?"

Which was sort of a sign of growth. Ringo wouldn't have recognized a real difference between those two when she first came to Fandom.

[spin_kick_snap]

A brief smile crossed Kathy's face. "That's what I assumed you meant," she said. "You became the Sonia Road Queen for your sister, didn't you?"