Barry's Old Warehouse, Warehouse District, Sunday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

So. The island could turn her back into an ex at literally any moment. That was not a thought that was good for Kathy's peace of mind. Being an ex again, for however short a time, had not been good for Kathy's peace of mind. She hadn't been a mindless husk that had seen everything that moved as 'prey,' no, but that was cold comfort when she had spent the day eating brains.

Sharing brains with other people.

Hunting small creatures to get--

Her stomach lurched again, just thinking about it. She hadn't eat much this past week just for that reason. It felt like February all over again, when eating had been a struggle, the very act bringing up memories she didn't want to relive.

Distantly, Kathy knew she should go home, deal with the mess left in her room, deal with the mess that was her life. And she would! She just--couldn't yet. Not while she still felt like this, ten pounds of crazy in a four pound bag. She just needed to get a handle on it--was trying to get a handle on it--and when she did, she'd go home. She'd apologize for worrying everyone, she'd clean up, she'd be okay.

Soon. Just not now.

[Open]

Comments

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante shrugged. "We go it nice and fast a lot, sure," he said. "But you're fucking fantastic at making me slow down too."

[spin_kick_snap]

This time, Kathy managed to think before she spoke, swallowing back the I am? that made her sound like a demented echo. "I don't think I've ever thought about it that way," she said instead, resting her cheek on her forearm and looking at him with curiosity. "Of course, by the time we start, I'm not really thinking much at all, so maybe that's it."

[rebelseekspizza]

"You never get shy or flaily about sex," Dante mused. He reached out to run a finger along the slopes of her back. "'s like a switch just flips."

[spin_kick_snap]

"You mean the way that I am in the rest of my life?" Kathy asked with a small smile, eyes closed as he ran his fingers along her skin. "It's amazing what happens when I get out of my own way. Stop thinking about things and just do them."

There was a long pause before she added, "Was like that as Banzai, too."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante nodded, drawing quiet patterns on her back. "I know."

[spin_kick_snap]

It said a lot that the time Kathy was most 'herself' was when she either wasn't thinking or when she was hiding behind a mask. She wasn't entirely sure what it said, but, yeah. Definitely said a lot.

She opened one eye to look at him, wondering if he'd have an opinion, then closed it again. She couldn't keep dumping all her weird questions into his lap and expecting him to figure them out for her.

Grow a little independence, Kathy.

"Maybe I'll pick up a new hobby I can do that with," she said lightly. "Start doing gymnastics or something again. That was always my problem before, competing in LA."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Or maybe you gotta figure out how to start squaring you with you," Dante said.

He nudged some strands of her hair over her shoulder.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Pretty sure picking up a new hobby from scratch might be easier," Kathy said wryly. "At least I'd know how to start."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Just pick something to be sure of," Dante said, smiling up at her. "Move from there."

[spin_kick_snap]

Those were thinner on the ground than Dante might think.

"Okay, so starting with 'I like sex a whole lot,'" Kathy joked. "And from there everything will just fall into place."

Kathy was a lot more certain of other people than she was with herself.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Why don't you worry about you when you're fucking?" Dante asked, tilting his head.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Because there's usually not enough room in my head for worrying," Kathy said. "I'm thinking--if I'm thinking at all--about how good something feels or if I wanna try something else or about how sexy you or Anders are at that moment."

There was more and she carefully turned the explanation over in her mind a few times before elaborating. "There's also a lot less room for me to screw up there. We're on the same page there. No room for confusion or misunderstandings or mismatched expectations. And even if there were, well, it's kinda hard to say something stupid when my mouth is occupied."

So much less to think about and also less brain to think it with. Perfect.

[rebelseekspizza]

"So how much time are you worrying about like, expectations and shit... usually?" Dante asked, frowning.

[spin_kick_snap]

There was a very, very long pause. before Kathy quietly admitted, "Other than the exceptions you already know about, there is never not a time when I don't have a constant stream of...stuff...in my head. Like the crawl at the bottom of a news channel."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante sighed.

He leaned forward to kiss her again.

"You don't need that."

[spin_kick_snap]

And that sigh spawned at least four more streams of thought, worries over how much she was boring/annoying/frustrating him. Another that recognized he would hate that she was analyzing his sigh at all. Still another that was happy to point out that this was exactly why she had all the other problems that she did.

It was a deep hole to fall into. She knew; she had before. This time, though, she heave an internal sigh of her own and dragged her attention away, focusing on Dante, letting her thoughts natter away on the edge of her consciousness as they often did.

"Don't really think it's a question of 'need' or not," she said. "It just is. Used to be easier to ignore, back in school."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't get it," Dante admitted. "You're cool. And smart."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I'm a mess," Kathy said with a laugh. "And being smart and cool--and at least one of those is up for debate--doesn't take away from the fact that I am a mess."

She frowned up at the ceiling, trying to find the best way to explain. "I guess--you ever read a Choose Your Own Adventure book?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"...Nope."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Remind me to throw one at you sometime," Kathy said. "So, you know the premise, right? You're reading your book, and all of a sudden, you have a choice. You can go left, or right, or straight ahead and each choice tells you to go to a different page. It's like I have that kind of thing running in my head all the time, spinning off different possibilities for everything I do. Or don't do."

She paused. She could leave it there, maybe. Strengthen the walls there, increase the distance.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Okay," Dante said, digesting that. "That can't be easy."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Yeah," she said, sitting up and drawing her knees to her chest. "And that's just the stuff I do. Then there's everyone else and it all just...fractals."

That was an incredibly obtuse way of explaining it, Kath. FYI.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Fractals," Dante echoed.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Patterns that go on for infinity, the same thing over and over again," Kathy explained. "Recursive. From the same root as fractured."

Broken.

Yeah.

Moving on.

"Okay, so...let's take my Choose Your Own Adventure thing from before," she said. "I choose to go forward and there you and Anders are, having a picnic. Now I have to choose--do I go back the way I came so I don't interrupt? Do I join you? But then, on top of my options, I start thinking about the two of you. If I join you, how might you react? What will you think if you catch me turning around instead? Okay, what if I stand there, hesitating between my options? What message is that sending? Does it seem like I'm angling for an invitation? Does that come across as passive-aggressive?" With each possibility, she spoke faster and faster. "How will you respond to my perceived passive-aggressiveness? If it reads as uncertainty, how will that be perceived? Do you know why I am hesitant? Do I know why I'm hesitant? How would each reason for my hesitation come across to you?"

Kathy stopped abruptly, breathing hard. She was not doing a great job of making herself sound sane. Or even stable. "Even right now, I'm talking to you and I'm, like, running equations or something trying to figure out how this is going to affect how you see me," she added, voice slow and quiet again as she looked down at her hands.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante watched her as she spoke, a small frown forming on his face.

"How are you not tired all the fucking time?"