Barry's Old Warehouse, Saturday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy hadn't meant to lie to Anders when she said that wouldn't be alone tonight. She'd had every intention of going back to the apartment, letting Raven yell at her for that bullshit note she'd left, and then spend the rest of the evening pass by in a Netflix binge, where she'd watch six episodes of a forgettable anime and only drag herself to bed when the sun came up.

That wasn't what happened. Too filthy and injured for Baltimore, she'd made her way to Barry's old warehouse of all places. But it hadn't been the worst place to hole up while she had a breakdown. There'd been a shower, a clothing replicator, even a prototype for a food fabricator, though Kathy'd had to force herself to eat. It also had a lot of bits of heavy machinery that barely dented when she slammed her batons against them and pillows that made a most satisfied ripping sound when she tore them apart. Best of all, it was in the middle of the warehouse district and no one had come to find out what all the clamor was about, save for one squirrel that had run away after she'd flung a bottle of rum at it and screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

And there were plenty of places to curl up and crash once she'd worn herself out.

It was afternoon before she finally woke up, stiff and sore and still tired. Her reflection in a piece of shiny sheet metal was a blurry composite of light and dark--dark circles under her eyes, dark bruises elsewhere, pale face, and even bits of white feathers caught in her dark hair from her destructive rampage. She barely recognized herself. Hell, she barely looked human. If this were LA again, she wouldn't blame anyone for mistaking her for an ex. "Look at me, I'm a wreck," she muttered, shaking her head. "Just look at me."

"Look at me and tell me who I am,
Why I am, what I am.
Call me a fool and it's true I am,
I don't know who I am.
It's such a shame,
I'm such a sham.
No one knows who I am."

She was dancing now, Fandom's whimsy moving her feet in slow, sweeping circles. She barely noticed, not with memories from the year before rising up unbidden. Memories of when she'd been happy; filled with wonder and songs and laughter.

"Once there were sweet possibilities,
I could see, just for me.
Now all my dreams are just memories,
Fated never to be.
Time's not a friend, hurrying by.
I wonder who am I?

Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?"

Her circles slowed, bright memories fading back to grim reality. She came to a stop right back at the metal sheet acting as a mirror. Once again, she looked into it, and her reflection stared back at her with dull eyes. She barely recognized the girl in the makeshift mirror. And wasn't sure she wanted to.

"Look at me and tell me who I am,
Why I am, what I am.
Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows who I am?"

"Nobody knows," she whispered to herself. "Not even you. No one knows who I am...."

[Post is open and musical!]

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"You didn't steal him," Kathy said quietly. "We--all of us--had a thing that was working. We were all happy. It was...good. It was really, really good."

She went quiet for a moment, struggling against Fandom-induced singing.
"How the hell did you ever pick me?
Honestly, I could sing you a song
But I don't think words can express your beauty
It's singing to me
How the hell did we end up like this?
You bring out the beast in me.."

Thanks for that interjection. Very helpful.

"I was the one who left. And I don't regret you two being together. I like it. Makes me happy to see you guys." Because she was a romantic. Like he'd said.

Not the whole truth, exactly, but true enough. She loved them both enough to want them happy. And the only person she blamed for this mess was herself.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
There's always cracks
Crack of sunlight
Crack in the mirror on your lips
It's the moment of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist," Dante sang, looking irritated by the whole exercise.

Then again, he did that every time.

"Makin' everything look more rosy than it was. Or is."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I didn't say perfect," Kathy said. "I said good. Weren't you happy?" She faltered. "I was..."

"There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do ya?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah"

[rebelseekspizza]

"I was happy, sure," Dante said quietly. "Day to day, anyway. Still running on a timer. And back then, Anders mostly tolerated me because you wanted me there and he thought I was hot."

A pause. "Not that I was worried about that."

Just, y'know. Seeing the inevitable coming.

[spin_kick_snap]

"I think he liked you more than that," Kathy said, hugging her knees. "And would have kept liking you more. You're not the kind of person someone stays on 'tolerating' for long. And he's not the type to keep sleeping with someone without getting fonder of them."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante let out a little laugh. He couldn't help himself. "So you're saying I literally fucked my way into his affections?"

... sorry, Kathy. Sometimes the olde timeyness had a weird habit of popping back into his brain, after getting his memories back.

[spin_kick_snap]

Hey, Kathy was laughing, too. Not just because she probably would have worded it similarly. "Fucking makes the heart grow fonder," she told him.

Which was probably ore accurate than the real saying.

[rebelseekspizza]

"So maybe that was your plan all along," Dante said, nudging her ankle with his foot.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Oh?" Kathy said, poking him in retaliation. So much of their relationship revolved around bothering each other this way. "Have you guys fuck till you were inseparable? Can't say I'm opposed."

[rebelseekspizza]

"And then spend the rest of your days on your sex hobo throne," Dante said.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Honestly, better goal than I have now," Kathy said with a shrug. "More fun, too. Also, if I had a sex hobo throne, I'd totally rock the leather boots all dominatrix style, with a flogger scepter to go with it."

Hashtag New Aesthetic Goals.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante snickered. "Not it on kneeling at your feet," he said.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Fine, you can feed me grapes," Kathy said. "I can live with that."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante smiled at her. Yeah, this felt a little like old times; the nostalgia pushed the part of him that was still wary aside just a bit.

"Stop being so hard on yourself
It's not good for your health
I know that you can change
So clear your head and come round
You only have to open your eyes
You might just get a big surprise
And it may feel good and you might want to smile, smile, smile.
Don't you let your demons pull you down..."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy looked down after that, not wanting him to see the tears that threatened to spill.

"I don't know how," she said, trying to sound light, like that didn't bother her. "I wish I did."

[rebelseekspizza]

"It's gonna get easier," Dante said, sighing.

Not at her, but at the stupid, over-the-top singing.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Eliot keeps saying the same thing. But it's been so long already. Two months and I feel more lost than ever," Kathy said, shaking her head.

"And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Two months is nothing," Dante said quietly. "At six months you might not jump at sounds anymore. Take the little wins."

[spin_kick_snap]

"But what about the rest of you?" Kathy asked. "Stuck dealing with me as I sort my way through. Are you ready to deal with months of me being like this?"

Because Kathy wasn't certain she was. And this was her.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Can't speak for anyone but me," Dante said, "But if there's anything about you I'm more than willing to deal with, it's this."

In case she hadn't noticed from him trying to coach her through shit since the day she got back.

[spin_kick_snap]

"That didn't come out quite as comforting as I think you meant it to," Kathy snarked, rubbing her temples. "I just...I worry that I'll run through everyone's reserves of Kathy patience."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I hate to break it to you, but a lot of people love you," Dante said, watching her. "They're not just gonna ditch you."

[spin_kick_snap]

"A lot of people loved her," Kathy corrected. "'Perfect Kathy,' right? Those same people I hurt when I died? Fuck, Ezra can't talk to me, I haven't seen Alluka or Ringo since I came back and--"

She sighed and shook her head. "Not trying to argue with you. Just--things feel different in my head. I'm scared to face people the way I am now."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't know about anybody else, but Anders doesn't love 'perfect Kathy', he loves you," Dante pointed out quietly. "You think everybody you knew was a fair weather friend?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face." Kathy sang, which said more than she really wanted to, at least going by her mutinous expression.

And when she was done singing, she put her head on her knees and said, "I need a drink." Beat. "That song doesn't mean yes. It just means Fandom is stupid."