Barry's Old Warehouse, Saturday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy hadn't meant to lie to Anders when she said that wouldn't be alone tonight. She'd had every intention of going back to the apartment, letting Raven yell at her for that bullshit note she'd left, and then spend the rest of the evening pass by in a Netflix binge, where she'd watch six episodes of a forgettable anime and only drag herself to bed when the sun came up.

That wasn't what happened. Too filthy and injured for Baltimore, she'd made her way to Barry's old warehouse of all places. But it hadn't been the worst place to hole up while she had a breakdown. There'd been a shower, a clothing replicator, even a prototype for a food fabricator, though Kathy'd had to force herself to eat. It also had a lot of bits of heavy machinery that barely dented when she slammed her batons against them and pillows that made a most satisfied ripping sound when she tore them apart. Best of all, it was in the middle of the warehouse district and no one had come to find out what all the clamor was about, save for one squirrel that had run away after she'd flung a bottle of rum at it and screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

And there were plenty of places to curl up and crash once she'd worn herself out.

It was afternoon before she finally woke up, stiff and sore and still tired. Her reflection in a piece of shiny sheet metal was a blurry composite of light and dark--dark circles under her eyes, dark bruises elsewhere, pale face, and even bits of white feathers caught in her dark hair from her destructive rampage. She barely recognized herself. Hell, she barely looked human. If this were LA again, she wouldn't blame anyone for mistaking her for an ex. "Look at me, I'm a wreck," she muttered, shaking her head. "Just look at me."

"Look at me and tell me who I am,
Why I am, what I am.
Call me a fool and it's true I am,
I don't know who I am.
It's such a shame,
I'm such a sham.
No one knows who I am."

She was dancing now, Fandom's whimsy moving her feet in slow, sweeping circles. She barely noticed, not with memories from the year before rising up unbidden. Memories of when she'd been happy; filled with wonder and songs and laughter.

"Once there were sweet possibilities,
I could see, just for me.
Now all my dreams are just memories,
Fated never to be.
Time's not a friend, hurrying by.
I wonder who am I?

Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?"

Her circles slowed, bright memories fading back to grim reality. She came to a stop right back at the metal sheet acting as a mirror. Once again, she looked into it, and her reflection stared back at her with dull eyes. She barely recognized the girl in the makeshift mirror. And wasn't sure she wanted to.

"Look at me and tell me who I am,
Why I am, what I am.
Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows who I am?"

"Nobody knows," she whispered to herself. "Not even you. No one knows who I am...."

[Post is open and musical!]

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"Eliot keeps saying the same thing. But it's been so long already. Two months and I feel more lost than ever," Kathy said, shaking her head.

"And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Two months is nothing," Dante said quietly. "At six months you might not jump at sounds anymore. Take the little wins."

[spin_kick_snap]

"But what about the rest of you?" Kathy asked. "Stuck dealing with me as I sort my way through. Are you ready to deal with months of me being like this?"

Because Kathy wasn't certain she was. And this was her.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Can't speak for anyone but me," Dante said, "But if there's anything about you I'm more than willing to deal with, it's this."

In case she hadn't noticed from him trying to coach her through shit since the day she got back.

[spin_kick_snap]

"That didn't come out quite as comforting as I think you meant it to," Kathy snarked, rubbing her temples. "I just...I worry that I'll run through everyone's reserves of Kathy patience."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I hate to break it to you, but a lot of people love you," Dante said, watching her. "They're not just gonna ditch you."

[spin_kick_snap]

"A lot of people loved her," Kathy corrected. "'Perfect Kathy,' right? Those same people I hurt when I died? Fuck, Ezra can't talk to me, I haven't seen Alluka or Ringo since I came back and--"

She sighed and shook her head. "Not trying to argue with you. Just--things feel different in my head. I'm scared to face people the way I am now."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't know about anybody else, but Anders doesn't love 'perfect Kathy', he loves you," Dante pointed out quietly. "You think everybody you knew was a fair weather friend?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face." Kathy sang, which said more than she really wanted to, at least going by her mutinous expression.

And when she was done singing, she put her head on her knees and said, "I need a drink." Beat. "That song doesn't mean yes. It just means Fandom is stupid."

[rebelseekspizza]

"It better not," Dante said, "Or you'd be calling your friends the worst kinda demanding snobs."

[spin_kick_snap]

"That wasn't about you guys," Kathy said, not wanting to talk about it but not wanting Dante to think it was about them even less. "It's about how I got to be 'perfect Kathy' to begin with."

Which just made her feel like she was regurgitating the same old thing--literally her exact fear about what would happen now. Ugh. Fuck you, island.

"I feel like I have nothing to offer," she said. "And when compared to the Kathy that had everything, how can I do anything but lose? I've replaced her with a Kathy that does nothing but bitch and moan and one day you'll all run out of patience with it." She finally picked her head up and looked at him. "And maybe that's untrue and maybe that's unfair, but the loudest voice in my head says that it was easier on everybody when I was dead. So I'm not real good at knowing what's true right now."

[rebelseekspizza]

"The Kathy that had everything had a lot of trouble accepting she had anything to offer too," Dante pointed out gently. "Especially when your folks were around."

He nudged her with a foot again. "Even if things were easier," he said. "Doesn't mean they were better."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Dust in the wind. All they are is dust in the wind"

...That was fucking unnecessary, Fandom. And more than a little bit cruel. Kathy's breath hitched and she had to look away for a few until she got it under control again.

She really needed that drink.

"On the plus side for you, I was going to ask if that were true for you," she said, sounding irritated which was much better than sounding pathetic. "But not now after...that." She waved her hand to indicate the song.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Would you feel better if we talked about something else?" Dante asked, frowning at her.

He had limited idea of how to help here; it wasn't like he could shout Kathy's anxiety into submission.

[spin_kick_snap]

Honestly, if he could, she'd take it.

"Yeah, maybe," Kathy said. "Sor--" She managed to bite back the apology before it fully made its way out. That was sort of progress, right? "Ideas?"

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante shrugged. "...We could walk you home and leave this shithole behind?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Hey!" Kathy protested. "It's--" She looked around at the space that had been neglected for years even before she'd had her freakout. "It's badly in need of a good cleaning, I'll grant you that."

Especially if she was going to make it her escape zone, for when she needed to get away but Baltimore wasn't feasible.

"Can we grab food on the way?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"Sure, why not?" Dante said. "If we got leftovers I can dump 'em on Anders, the lazy ass."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Oh, hush, you like his ass just as it is," Kathy reminded.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Doesn't mean it's not lazy."

Which Anders had earned today, but eh.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Still in bed then?" Kathy asked. "At least he's missing the musical numbers."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Helped him heal last night, but he was still pretty wiped," Dante said, getting up off the sofa. "Think he's calling it a sick day."

[spin_kick_snap]

"That's fair, he helped me too," Kathy said, rubbing her arm. The one where the cut had been, not the one with road rash. "...Wait, how'd you help him heal? You can heal other people now?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"Nah," Dante said, shaking his head. "But mages from his world can channel magic, right? And I'm like a big battery of it. It's how my guns work too."

[spin_kick_snap]

"That...actually makes sense," Kathy said. "Max said..."

Aww, Max. Kathy hadn't liked him, but he'd deserved a better fate than he'd gotten. Kathy remembered what it was like being Rodney's puppet and he'd mostly left her standing in a basement somewhere as the ultimate surprise.

"Max used to talk about power sources and stuff like that," she said. "He, uh, might have mentioned you once or twice, too. He said you were a conflagration in a world of matchsticks."