Apartment Above Lukes, Friday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy was prepping for Pride over the weekend. Most of the merchandise she was planning for the booth had already been boxed up at the store, but she was folding pamphlets and making bracelets out of embroidery floss and beads that she'd picked up from Hobby Lobby when she'd taken a trip over there to discuss which store was going to hand out the birth control. The bracelets all corresponded with the various Pride flags; it was like an eighth grade craft project up in here.

But it was fun and relaxing and made for nice breaks between constant pamphlet folding while still letting her feel like she was being productive. Win/win.

Comments

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded. "Good." Like he was going to judge anyone for killing things. "Sounds like it was a decent time."

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"Except for how I spent the whole morning leading up to it freaking out, then the fighting in this haze of, like, joy, and then broke down the minute it was all over and threw up and cried all over Dante," Kathy said, lip curling at her own ridiculousness.

[vdistinctive]

Eliot winced sympathetically. "That the first time you've fought to the death since. . . ?"

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Kathy shook her head. "I was there when Dante fought Mundus and Limbo crashed into the real world, letting all the demons free," she said.

Oops. Hadn't she mentioned that?

"But it was, like, just a few weeks after I...got back." Six months later and she still wasn't sure how to refer to her resurrection. "I was still all messed up. But, honestly, that was the first time I really felt like my old self, I think. Hard to say. Everything was kinda foggy."

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded. "You were still at least partially in full-siege mode," he guessed. "Now you've had time to breath, get some space, and maybe start to feel a little safe again." He leaned back, resting his arm across the back of the couch behind her. "You know, this is all perfectly normal. Even if you hadn't been killed, back home, you'd likely still be experiencing stuff like this. A lot of soldiers do."

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"Then why do I still want to do it?" Kathy asked, temper flaring. "With everything it cost me, with everything I put everyone else through, why am I still so selfish as to still love doing it so much? Why can't I learn?!"

[vdistinctive]

Eliot sighed and looked away. There was too much to unpack in all that that he wasn't qualified to tackle, and it took him awhile to respond. When he finally spoke, it was quiet, the kind of even, steady tone he only used when a subject was hitting too close to his own cold past.

"What exactly do you think you shoulda learned?"

[spin_kick_snap]

Like father, like daughter?

"Not to do stuff like that again," Kathy snapped, not frustrated at the question but herself for being so...so...so her. "To not want to do it! I should be sitting in my house, grateful that I don't have to patrol anymore, not leaping on the first opportunity to do it that I'm handed!"

[vdistinctive]

Eliot raised an eyebrow. "You're not an addict, Kathy. And even if you were, would you get mad at a recovering alcoholic for still wantin' a beer, even if they know it ain't good for 'em?"

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"For wanting?" Kathy asked. "No. But for taking it? Maybe?"

Look, hadn't you realized yet that she wasn't a very nice person, Eliot?

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded, looking away again. "Let's try it this way. You know why I never use a gun?"

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"Because they make it too easy to kill," Kathy said. "It's distant and you can say you're not killing anyone, you're just pulling the trigger?"

[vdistinctive]

"All that's true," Eliot said, looking down at his hands. "But it ain't the most important reason." He took a deep breath, buying himself a moment to work out how much he needed to tell her to get the message home, without forever destroying how she saw him. "I don't use guns because using one is how I hit rock bottom."

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"On--on yourself?" Kathy asked, even though she knew it wasn't.

[vdistinctive]

"No."

Eliot let that hang in the air a moment, then took another deep breath. "So I got rid of my guns. Promised myself I'd never use one on anyone again, and -- well, I've almost managed to keep that promise. But even with that, even having to relearn how to do every part of my job, I never stopped fighting. I wouldn't be me if I did."

He finally looked over at Kathy. "You hit your rock-bottom. And it was deeper and lower than any I've ever seen anyone come back from. But you did. You are. Way I see it, you've gotta figure out what your gun is. 'Cause I gotta say, I don't think it's killing demons, or enjoying doing it. I'm pretty sure that part's just . . . you."

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Kathy scootched forward, letting her foot knock into his. She wasn't sure how much personal space he needed atfer that--sometimes she needed tight hugs and other times she needed whole football fields of distance. The idea that Eliot had killed someone was nothing new to her and she'd left that moral high ground behind almost a year ago. He probably hadn't eaten whomever he'd killed afterwards.

"Don't I kinda owe it to everyone else to not do that, though?" she asked, less angry now but tired. "There's a reason one of those twelve steps is asking forgiveness from the people you've hurt before. Wouldn't you be happier, breathe easier if you knew I'd never chased something over a rooftop ever again?"

[vdistinctive]

"You're not an addict," Eliot said again. He shifted closer to her on the couch, stretching his arm along the back of it again. "Darlin', I'm going to worry about you even if all you ever do is go out and . . . become an accountant or something." That was the most boring, plebian job he could think of, yes. "But I'm gonna be happier about you doin' things that make you happy." He tilted his head, giving her a knowing look. "You think if I was lookin' for a life full of peaceful people who never put themselves in danger, I'd be livin' with Hardison and Parker?"

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"I thought Hardison just, like, wanted to stay indoors and play on his computer and stuff," Kathy said, snuggling closer. Eliot did paternal comfort well.

"It just feels...ungrateful. I put you all through hell and look, at the first chance I get, I'm doing it all over again."

[vdistinctive]

Which was impressive, considering he'd never gotten any himself, growing up.

"I spent a good chunk of the Fourth of July picnic talkin' Hardison out of trying to take on the government of Qatar," he said. "You ain't doin' anything 'all over again'. You're goin' to a place you know you have a route out of, and you're not goin' in alone. You've got someone at your back you know you can count on. Nothin' against Raven, but I gather she didn't have a whole lot of 'superhero' experience before she followed you out to LA."

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Kathy scowled at him, even a perceived slight against Raven brought out her protective junkyard dog side.

"Raven might not have any so-called 'superhero experience' but she still followed me into hell when no one else did," she growled, even though she knew that Eliot wasn't bad-talking Raven. But Kathy hadn't had chill before she'd died and had come back with even less. "And she was the one who survived. She managed to drag herself through three thousand miles of awfulness and kept standing and then came here and chivvied all the other 'superheroes' off their asses to come and get me."

Without Raven, she'd still be staring at a wall in Rodney's celler, waiting for the next time he felt like exerting his will over her.

"Dante's stronger and faster than damn near anyone I know, but he wasn't the one facing down zombies with me. He decided it wasn't worth it and stopped taking my calls until the day I died."

She was maybe still a little bitter about things. Maybe. When she let herself.

[vdistinctive]

"Raven did absolutely amazin' in a really shitty situation," Eliot agreed. "That doesn't mean she was appropriate back up to bring with you -- which, if I'm remembering right, you didn't actually do; she followed you later." He sighed. "I'm tryin' to get you to think critically, darlin'. To figure out what actually went wrong instead of just moonin' around going 'woe is me'." Anger was good. Anger could be useful. Eliot wasn't even remotely above using anger to his advantage.

"You went in alone and unprepared. You ignored everyone telling you you were unprepared. You want somethin' to make sure you don't do again, that's maybe a place to start lookin'."

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Kathy looked at Eliot, stung. How dare he say that to her? How dare he say--he say--

The truth. How dare he say the truth.

All the anger ran out of her like water, leaving her sagging against the couch. "Still probably better for me if I don't do this at all," she said. "But...yeah."

[vdistinctive]

"Better?" Eliot asked. "Or easier?"

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"Is it so bad?" Kathy asked. "Wanting something to be easy for a change?"

[vdistinctive]

"Nah. If that's really what you want, I ain't gonna stop you. But it's gonna start to chafe. I'm thinkin' it already has."