Apartment Above Lukes, Friday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy was prepping for Pride over the weekend. Most of the merchandise she was planning for the booth had already been boxed up at the store, but she was folding pamphlets and making bracelets out of embroidery floss and beads that she'd picked up from Hobby Lobby when she'd taken a trip over there to discuss which store was going to hand out the birth control. The bracelets all corresponded with the various Pride flags; it was like an eighth grade craft project up in here.

But it was fun and relaxing and made for nice breaks between constant pamphlet folding while still letting her feel like she was being productive. Win/win.

Comments

[vdistinctive]

Eliot raised an eyebrow. "You're not an addict, Kathy. And even if you were, would you get mad at a recovering alcoholic for still wantin' a beer, even if they know it ain't good for 'em?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"For wanting?" Kathy asked. "No. But for taking it? Maybe?"

Look, hadn't you realized yet that she wasn't a very nice person, Eliot?

[vdistinctive]

Eliot nodded, looking away again. "Let's try it this way. You know why I never use a gun?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Because they make it too easy to kill," Kathy said. "It's distant and you can say you're not killing anyone, you're just pulling the trigger?"

[vdistinctive]

"All that's true," Eliot said, looking down at his hands. "But it ain't the most important reason." He took a deep breath, buying himself a moment to work out how much he needed to tell her to get the message home, without forever destroying how she saw him. "I don't use guns because using one is how I hit rock bottom."

[spin_kick_snap]

"On--on yourself?" Kathy asked, even though she knew it wasn't.

[vdistinctive]

"No."

Eliot let that hang in the air a moment, then took another deep breath. "So I got rid of my guns. Promised myself I'd never use one on anyone again, and -- well, I've almost managed to keep that promise. But even with that, even having to relearn how to do every part of my job, I never stopped fighting. I wouldn't be me if I did."

He finally looked over at Kathy. "You hit your rock-bottom. And it was deeper and lower than any I've ever seen anyone come back from. But you did. You are. Way I see it, you've gotta figure out what your gun is. 'Cause I gotta say, I don't think it's killing demons, or enjoying doing it. I'm pretty sure that part's just . . . you."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy scootched forward, letting her foot knock into his. She wasn't sure how much personal space he needed atfer that--sometimes she needed tight hugs and other times she needed whole football fields of distance. The idea that Eliot had killed someone was nothing new to her and she'd left that moral high ground behind almost a year ago. He probably hadn't eaten whomever he'd killed afterwards.

"Don't I kinda owe it to everyone else to not do that, though?" she asked, less angry now but tired. "There's a reason one of those twelve steps is asking forgiveness from the people you've hurt before. Wouldn't you be happier, breathe easier if you knew I'd never chased something over a rooftop ever again?"

[vdistinctive]

"You're not an addict," Eliot said again. He shifted closer to her on the couch, stretching his arm along the back of it again. "Darlin', I'm going to worry about you even if all you ever do is go out and . . . become an accountant or something." That was the most boring, plebian job he could think of, yes. "But I'm gonna be happier about you doin' things that make you happy." He tilted his head, giving her a knowing look. "You think if I was lookin' for a life full of peaceful people who never put themselves in danger, I'd be livin' with Hardison and Parker?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"I thought Hardison just, like, wanted to stay indoors and play on his computer and stuff," Kathy said, snuggling closer. Eliot did paternal comfort well.

"It just feels...ungrateful. I put you all through hell and look, at the first chance I get, I'm doing it all over again."

[vdistinctive]

Which was impressive, considering he'd never gotten any himself, growing up.

"I spent a good chunk of the Fourth of July picnic talkin' Hardison out of trying to take on the government of Qatar," he said. "You ain't doin' anything 'all over again'. You're goin' to a place you know you have a route out of, and you're not goin' in alone. You've got someone at your back you know you can count on. Nothin' against Raven, but I gather she didn't have a whole lot of 'superhero' experience before she followed you out to LA."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy scowled at him, even a perceived slight against Raven brought out her protective junkyard dog side.

"Raven might not have any so-called 'superhero experience' but she still followed me into hell when no one else did," she growled, even though she knew that Eliot wasn't bad-talking Raven. But Kathy hadn't had chill before she'd died and had come back with even less. "And she was the one who survived. She managed to drag herself through three thousand miles of awfulness and kept standing and then came here and chivvied all the other 'superheroes' off their asses to come and get me."

Without Raven, she'd still be staring at a wall in Rodney's celler, waiting for the next time he felt like exerting his will over her.

"Dante's stronger and faster than damn near anyone I know, but he wasn't the one facing down zombies with me. He decided it wasn't worth it and stopped taking my calls until the day I died."

She was maybe still a little bitter about things. Maybe. When she let herself.

[vdistinctive]

"Raven did absolutely amazin' in a really shitty situation," Eliot agreed. "That doesn't mean she was appropriate back up to bring with you -- which, if I'm remembering right, you didn't actually do; she followed you later." He sighed. "I'm tryin' to get you to think critically, darlin'. To figure out what actually went wrong instead of just moonin' around going 'woe is me'." Anger was good. Anger could be useful. Eliot wasn't even remotely above using anger to his advantage.

"You went in alone and unprepared. You ignored everyone telling you you were unprepared. You want somethin' to make sure you don't do again, that's maybe a place to start lookin'."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy looked at Eliot, stung. How dare he say that to her? How dare he say--he say--

The truth. How dare he say the truth.

All the anger ran out of her like water, leaving her sagging against the couch. "Still probably better for me if I don't do this at all," she said. "But...yeah."

[vdistinctive]

"Better?" Eliot asked. "Or easier?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Is it so bad?" Kathy asked. "Wanting something to be easy for a change?"

[vdistinctive]

"Nah. If that's really what you want, I ain't gonna stop you. But it's gonna start to chafe. I'm thinkin' it already has."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy looked away rather than admit out loud he was right.

"But shouldn't how much I freak out before and after be a sign that maybe this isn't the best idea I ever had?" she asked.

[vdistinctive]

"All it means is that you're doing something hard and scary, and you know it."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Never used to feel that way," Kathy muttered, but that was a stupid thing to say and she knew it.

But it also felt good to say. Eliot was the only person she felt like she could throw a tantrum around. Everyone else, it felt unfair to subject them to her feeling petulant and childish and obnoxious, but Eliot...Eliot might roll his eyes and tell her to grow up or something, but she wouldn't worry that inwardly, he was telling himself We got her back for THIS?

She didn't have to be mature and grateful to Eliot. That was freeing.

"I hate feeling grateful," she said abruptly. "I hate feeling like I'm expected to be grateful."

That was an abrupt change of topic, Kathy. Warn a guy next time, jeez.

[vdistinctive]

Eliot raised his eyebrows, surprised, then nodded slowly.

"Feelin' like you owe your life to someone can be tough," he said. "You know that ain't why any of us did it, right? So you'd owe us something?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"It's not even about you saving me," she said. "It's about me dying in the first place. I left and I died and now I feel like I have to make up all that hurt and anguish you suffered. Like I owe you all for being willing to forgive me."

[vdistinctive]

Oof.

Eliot let that one hang for awhile, too, taking his time processing it.

"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I never should have made you feel dying was your fault."

[spin_kick_snap]

"But it was my fault," Kathy said. "It's like you said. I went in unprepared and everyone told me so." She waved her hands. "It's not like you were the only one. Because it was."

At least Eliot hadn't ever straight up told her it was.

[vdistinctive]

"Death ain't some just punishment for actin' like a teenager." Eliot shook his head. "Somethin' I learned a long time ago, long enough I guess I forgot everyone doesn't know it yet: the only person at fault when someone dies is the one who killed them."

See how easy it'd be for him to remember that if/when Hardison or Parker -- or Kathy -- got killed on his watch. . . .