Apartment Above Luke's, Sunday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

The quiet was nice.

Kathy looked around the empty apartment, wandering from room to room. If asked, she'd say she was picturing where all their stuff would go when she and Raven left Eliot's place (okay, Eliot's and Parker's and Hardison's, but it had been Eliot's place in her mind for years and it would take some adjusting to) and moved in here, but really, she was just appreciating the quiet. It was nice, being somewhere that no one else was for a little while. She didn't have to worry about whether her smile was convincing or she appeared happy--and grateful! One mustn't forget grateful!--to be alive again. Not that she wanted to be dead again or anything. But sometimes it was hard to be happy about anything. But around people, she felt like she owed it to them to try. Or at least to put up a decent enough facade that they could convince themselves she was.

Alone, though, she didn't have to pretend. She could just do her own thing, try to distance herself from her recent spate of nightmares and just wander for a bit. She would have thought she'd gotten enough walking in as an ex, but maybe her body'd just gotten used to the repetitive motion. Maybe idly poking around the place really would give her some ideas for what to do with the place. Or maybe it was all just bullshit and she should focus on thinking less altogether.

Yeah, it was probably the latter. But until she found a decent substitute for her previous activities that shut her brain down (besides zombieism, ha ha, she was hilarious), walking and appreciating the lack of people would have to do.

[Post open! Link to Anders' thread]

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"Cared?" Kathy repeated, the past tense hitting her hard. "Err, never mind" she added quickly, trying to change the subject. "Look, I just want you to know that, either way, it wouldn't have changed anything. There would always have been someone I would have had to prove myself to. Dante, or my parents. Myself. Someone."

[not_every_mage]

Anders screwed up his face at the repeated word before realizing what Kathy meant and getting an anxious twist in his stomach. "I didn't mean it that way," he protested. "I still care, I promise. I just said cared because we were talking about what would have happened."

That made sense, right? (He hoped it made sense; it was important to him that Kathy knew he still liked her.)

"Anyhow, maybe that's the point," he said slowly. "It doesn't matter who else sets what other standards, if you don't meet your own. So if you feel like a hero, maybe you are one."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy nodded, relaxing just enough to be noticeable, even though she hadn't felt herself tense. She didn't think he cared for her the the way she really wanted him to, not any more, but that was for her to exhaust herself over in private.

It would make for a different reason to lie awake in the dark than her current one. It would also be a significant step up, sadly.

"Don't worry, I don't feel much like one anymore," Kathy said with a laugh that tried not to be bitter and only marginally succeeded. "I don't know if I'll ever be putting on rainbows again. Banzai died in Los Angeles. Probably better to let her stay dead."

She mourned her alter-ego, the persona that had given her the confidence to finally be Kathy, but in light of everything that had happened to her, compounded with Josh's betrayal, and she didn't think she could ever separate those again.

[not_every_mage]

"I can't say that wouldn't be a relief to me," Anders admitted, after a brief moment in which honesty warred with his urge not to make Kathy upset again. "At least take a break. There'll still be people to save once you feel like your head is on straight."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Yeah, pretty much," Kathy agreed. "It's not that the drive to do that isn't there, but it's just--buried. I guess. Under everything else."

[not_every_mage]

"What's 'everything else'?" Anders asked curiously.

[spin_kick_snap]

"The fact that I died already doing this," Kathy said, ticking the items off on her fingers. "The fear I'll die again. Josh's creating the exes and not telling anyone. Trying to figure out who I am now and what I want to do with my life. Guilt. Shame. Anger. Loss. Grief."

Kathy was out of fingers and could still go on. "Heroing gave me so much," she said. "I don't know if I ever would have been brave enough for Dante or Ezra or even you without it. But at the same time, it took everything away from me."

She looked him in eye. "I didn't even save my family. How can I be any kind of hero if I didn't save them?"

[not_every_mage]

Anders' wince at that was not small.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I don't now the answers to any of that, and I wish I did. I wish I could say something that would help." A pause. "And I wish I had kept my bloody mouth shut about your family the other weekend, so I could say it wasn't your fault and you'd believe me."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy's smile was sad and, for a second, she leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder. That was okay, right? Friends did that?

"I wouldn't though," she said softly. Hearing him say so had hurt because she'd known it was true. "I'd know I was responsible. Remember when I said I'd never forgive you and Dante if you took me away from LA and my family died? That was true. The only thing is, it's not you and Dante who are to blame. It's me."

And she wasn't sure she'd ever really be able to let that go and forgive herself.

[not_every_mage]

Anders reached out, arm snaking around her waist in an attempt to comfort her. It might be only friendship between them now, but he liked having her close.

"Maybe leave that in LA with Banzai and the rainbows," he suggested. "You can't change it. No point dwelling on it."

[spin_kick_snap]

The feeling of having his arm around him felt better than it should. Kathy knew she should pull away, but she was having serious trouble convincing herself to do so. Maybe just a few more seconds. What could it hurt?

"I don't know if I can," she said. "I know I should ask Raven if she knows what happened but I just--I can't. Not yet. A few more days. I just need to work up the courage to hear it officially." Her head raised up a few inches. "Unless--at the Mount--you didn't maybe see...?"

[not_every_mage]

"No," Anders said, once he realized what she was asking. "I wasn't looking for them, maybe someone else noticed, but -- no."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I doubt it." Kathy sagged against him for a moment, letting him support her weight while she choked down the brief flare of hope and the resulting anguish. And then she was pulling herself away entirely. "Someone would have said."

[not_every_mage]

Concern passed across Anders' face as she moved away.

"Maybe it's easier not to be sure," he offered.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Would you rather have not known?" Kathy asked him.

[not_every_mage]

"I don't know," Anders admitted. "That message you sent was hard to watch. If I'd been able to pretend your phone just broke..."

He shook his head, glancing away.

"It doesn't matter."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I'm sorry," Kathy said. "I needed to make sure you all knew how it worked, just in case. And I--I needed to say goodbye. I mean, I genuinely thought Regen--Josh was going to get to me in time, but..." She shook her head. "I still couldn't take the chance. That was my last one."

[not_every_mage]

"I don't blame you for it," Anders said. "I understood all of that. But you asked me if I wanted to know, not if I thought you should have told us."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Sorry," she said again. "I've fallen back into the habit of apologizing for pretty much everything. I know I owe so many that it's hard to keep track sometimes."

[not_every_mage]

"Do you feel like you're making any progress?" Anders wondered.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Some," Kathy said with a wistful smile. "You and Dante are talking to me again, so I must be making some. I know forgiveness and rebuilding trust takes time, but...you're here. And that says I'm on the right track, at least."

[not_every_mage]

Anders didn't answer with words at first, but leaned forward to squeeze her hand. "I say you are too," he said. "The rest of it's just time."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Which I have now," Kathy murmured, squeezing his hands in return and hoping the low tone would mask how her voice trembled. "We have. And I promise, I won't waste it again."