House in Limbo City, Limbo City, Friday

[spin_kick_snap]

With her mom's kimchi recipe now in her possession, Kathy figured she should try to make some. Without a proper kimchi fridge, she couldn't make much, but she figured she could probably get away with one or two jars in the back of the fridge. With her mom's recipe in hand, her children behind her and the gijesa of her whole family on Monday (though her parents got short shrift compared to Sarah), family was kind of on her mind a lot.

Her usual strawberry Yakult had been swapped for banana milk and she had a bowl of injulmi rice balls to snack on when her hands weren't covered with red pepper flakes or salt. She sang as she worked, TARA and BTS and Super Junior blaring from her phone, dancing around the kitchen chopping vegetables, salting water, simmering the glutinous rice powder.

For the first time since she moved in, the house - or, at least, the kitchen - really smelled like home.

[Open for visitors or phone calls or them guys what live here!]

Comments

[smilestopscars]

"No."

His tone remained light. But there wasn't any point to lying, even as much as her instincts wanted him to do it anyway.

"I don't believe I am."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy was glad he hadn't bothered lying; she wouldn't have believed a yes, but the fact that he didn't try touched her.

"I think it would be hard to be," she said softly. "It was a lot. Both Zeke and Tiger both."

But at least Tiger had just needed care and reassurance. And Ezra was excellent at offering both.

[smilestopscars]

He'd still felt like he'd been failing at that a fair bit, at several points over the weekend.

"Yes," he said with another sigh. "Thank goodness for Ella, I guess." She had been the easiest, even though she sure as hell wasn't without her own issues.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy still didn't know about Ada, but Dante had vaguely said something about early-onset Alzheimer's for Janie and figured Ella was dealing with something similar.

"Evie was trying to race into being a teenager and Carys was dealing with a a new little siblings," Kathy said, nodding. "Neither of those were traumatic or anything, but they weren't exactly restful, either."

[smilestopscars]

"It's a lot," Ezra agreed, vaguely. "Hope you still had a good time, though."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I always do," Kathy admitted. "I get to be a parent for a weekend to any number of beautiful kids that I may never get to see. But they exist and they're loved and I get to do that for a little while to and - I'm babbling about nonsense."

[smilestopscars]

"It's not nonsense," Ezra tod her softly. He couldn't see him shake his head but she could still hear the sincerity, right? "You can go on if you want."

[spin_kick_snap]

"It hurt me to watch Zeke this weekend," she continued softly. "He was in so much pain and I didn't know what to do - and, worse yet, I knew that no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to fix it. But I also realized that it was worth it to see him again. That I'd rather hurt and have him around than never have known because he never came back."

[smilestopscars]

"I think that's where our experiences diverge, darling," Ezra told her gently, after a short pause. "Because I would rather not have ripped the pain back to the surface for him."

It was different for Kathy, he knew. She couldn't hurt their kid just by being there.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Not his pain," Kathy clarified. "Mine."

[smilestopscars]

"I didn't misunderstand."

No, he'd followed just fine, he was sure.

"I'm just saying that for me, I don't think it was worth any of it to see him again. Because for him to see me was too painful for him for any positive experience on my part to outweigh it."

[spin_kick_snap]

"That's fair," Kathy said. And she'd probably agree, had the tables been turned. "Do you think he got anything from it? I mean, as much as it hurt, he still got to see you."

For Kathy, every minute with Sarah was an extra minute more than she expected to have. So even though it was a bittersweet joy, it was still joy.

[smilestopscars]

And for Ezra, every second of seeing her as a patently unfair ghost version of herself had been too much.

So:

"I don't know."

[spin_kick_snap]

"He left pretty fast," Kathy said quietly. "So...yeah. Maybe not."

Probably not. She'd hoped but...

Yeah.

[smilestopscars]

"He left a note."

Which Ezra had carefully preserved, at home.

"But I don't think that means he hurt any less."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Probably just the opposite," Kathy agreed. "I don't think I've ever skipped out on a goodbye in favor of a note unless I just couldn't say goodbye at all."

She paused and then asked, "What did the note say? Or, umm, was it just for you?" In which case, she'd respect his privacy.

[smilestopscars]

"That he loved him and missed him."

It'd been 'you', of course. But it was just a tiny bit easier to roll this back onto the shoulders of an Ezra long gone.

"And some other things he'd crossed out that I haven't tried to read."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy could read between the lines well enough to guess that a note that was left behind had probably said 'you' and not 'him.' But that's who Zeke had really been talking to anyway; his dad and not the Ezra she was talking to.

"Are you going to try?" Kathy asked. "If it'll be easier with someone there..."

[smilestopscars]

"I don't know yet." That bit was said with a more sigh-y quality, but then his tone took on a gently teasing air. "Are you a pair of glasses, darling? I don't think a person being there will make it any easier or harder."

[spin_kick_snap]

"No, but I speak Korean in case there's any on there," Kathy pointed out. "Since I know Zeke spoke it."

[smilestopscars]

"Was it more than a couple of words' worth, though?" Ezra replied. "I doubt his Korean is much better than my Japanese."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Hey now, don't underestimate my willingness to teach my kids multiple languages so they don't just end up stuck with English," Kathy said. "You don't speak much Japanese? Does anyone in your family?"

[smilestopscars]

"Mom," he said, "but she never made much of a point of speaking it to us."

Suppose they'd already had enough setting them apart from the people around them.

[spin_kick_snap]

Yeah, it was probably different when you grew up in a section of a city named for your family's country of origin.

Which was why Kathy was nodding slightly. "Well, even if there isn't much Korean there, I'd be willing to be there if you thought it'd be easier with someone there for support and/or baked goods delivery. If not though..." Kathy shrugged. Zeke hadn't left the note for her, after all. "If not, I get it."

[smilestopscars]

"Darling, you're welcome to see the note," Ezra told her, a little more quietly. Zeke was her kid as much as he was his, after all - maybe even more so, considering who'd done most of the raising. "But I don't need anyone holding my hand to read it."

He just didn't know whether he even wanted to or not.