33 Apocalypse Ave, Monday Morning

[spin_kick_snap]

When Kathy had woken up as herself on Sunday, there'd been a letter waiting for her--a letter she'd remembered writing the night before and six years younger.

Dear Kathy,

Thanks for letting me use my room during my stay. I don't think I'll have a chance to meet you, I'm leaving pretty early tomorrow to make it back home. But even if I didn't get to meet you, I still feel like I got to know you some this week. You sound really cool and smart and popular. Everyone was really nice to me and I think it's because I reminded them a little bit of you. I think that's cool, I wouldn't mind being like you when I grow up.

This might be weird, but do you think I could maybe email you sometimes for advice? Nothing major just--you have your whole life together and I'm a mess. It would be nice to have someone to talk to sometimes. But that's probably weird, sorry. You don't have to!

But if you do, you can email me at gymnastflower01@yahoo.com.

Thanks again,
Kathy Li

P.S. You really, really don't have to if you don't want to!

Kathy had read that letter a number of times over the last day, smiling at the old email address she'd used faithfully for years--hell, her original Tumblr handle had been GymnastFlower--and awash in nostalgia. On the one hand, no wonder Sparkle had nicknamed her Mouse; it felt like all she'd done as a kid was apologize to people and blush. On the other hand, it was interesting to see her life now through the eyes of herself then. She'd laugh herself silly if someone told her that she had her life together, but she could see where her younger self had gotten that idea.

If nothing else, it put some things into perspective, which was sometimes hard to come by these days.

[Open for visitors and calls, but with the caveat of 'after I wake up again!']

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"I dunno," Kathy admitted. "Maybe. Kept me away from Sarah. But...I dunno. I was raised thinking their approval, their love meant everything. That I was dependent on them for food, clothing, shelter, school. The idea of not having that safety net was terrifying."

She went silent, thinking. "But I think the worst thing wouldn't have been disowning. It would have been not doing that. Keeping me in their house, under their thumb, radiating disapproval at me, refusing to speak to me, letting me know with their every action that I was worthless, a terrible daughter. Disowning me would have meant letting me go. That would have just shredded me until I thought that they were right and justified in how that treated me."

[rebelseekspizza]

"But they couldn't have done that if I was there," Dante said softly. "You'd just come home with me."

[spin_kick_snap]

"For awhile yeah," Kathy said, resting her head on his chest and listening to the steady beat of his heart. "But this was before you wanted me around forever."

And sure, it wouldn't have been forever but still--at eighteen, all she would have seen was the instability of the solution. She'd be able to stay with him for awhile, but eventually he would have tired of her and then she would have lost her second home, too.

"I'm home now, though," she murmured. "You're home."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante's fingers slid soothingly through her hair. "Even back then," he said. "You always deserved better."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy's arms tightened around him and she buried her face. "I don't know why it took me so long to realize it," she said. "On the other hand, maybe it's why I treasure what I've got so much now."

[rebelseekspizza]

"'Cause you didn't feel like you should have it," Dante said softly. "Tiny you even needed permission to go have fun."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Fun needed to be earned," Kathy said. "It wasn't just a thing you could have. If you had fun, it was because your chores were done, your homework was finished, and you'd checked with mom to see if there were any errands to do. And even then, fun was quiet and out of the way."

She sighed, thinking of back home. "That was how Sarah used to get me in trouble. She'd be loud or would leave chores half-finished, or go chase fun before she was supposed to. I used to get so mad at her...but now I realize she managed to pack more fun into her fourteen years than I did in my eighteen."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Because your folks were always gonna make sure there was something else to do," Dante said. He pressed another kiss to her temple. "She got that."

[spin_kick_snap]

"She was always smarter than me," Kathy said, softly turning her face towards his for a kiss there, too. "Not at books, but at the stuff that's actually important."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Different kinda smart," Dante said, and kissed her again.

[spin_kick_snap]

It was sweet and it was soft and Kathy was grateful. The feelings she had could be pushed to desire with little effort, but right now she just felt nostalgic and vulnerable and it was nice lying here with Dante and feeling safe.

Loved.

"You see how useful my kind has been," Kathy said when he eased away, lacing her fingers through his.

[rebelseekspizza]

"It was the way you knew how to survive," Dante said. He squeezed her fingers gently. "You didn't know up front it wouldn't work."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy shook her head. "I feel like I wasted my whole life," she said, voice so quiet it was hard to hear, even in the stillness of her room. "What was it all for, in the end? I mean, yeah, a new lease on life, I can do whatever I want now, blah blah blah, but what does it say about someone when of the twenty years I've been alive, only the last eighteen months have anything to show for it?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"You met me before that," Dante said quietly. "Anders. Raven."

[spin_kick_snap]

"And I ignored the three of you, all of you who told me to slow down, to think, because I knew best," Kathy said. "Because I was so smart. What does it say about me that the most worthwhile parts of my life are other people--and that I threw them all away?"

She wasn't crying. Or stomping or pacing or even haranguing. She wasn't upset. She was just...disappointed in herself, more than anything else.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante sighed, and pulled her closer, pillowing his chin on top of her head. "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater," he said, "Okay? It wasn't all shit."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I'm not saying it was," Kathy said. "Fandom has been the best years of my life and each one has been better than the one before. Those last eight months after you showed up were the happiest I'd ever been. Doubly so after Anders joined us, too."

Again, that moment of quiet. This time, not because she was trying to choose words, but because she was thinking of how good, how golden those months were.

"I was happy, but I was focused on the wrong things. Sarah figured out how to be happy when she was a girl. I didn't. I chased after stuff and kind of stumbled into happiness, but I didn't let it stop me from continuing to run. That's why I call it a waste. Not because I had nothing of value, but because I didn't value it properly."

[rebelseekspizza]

"Okay," Dante said, after a short pause.

He kissed the top of her head again. It felt like the thing to do.

"I'm just glad you're not that girl anymore."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Me, too," Kathy said. "Don't think I'd be here if I were. At least, not like this."

She could survive without it, she knew. But the world would lose a lot of its brightness.

"Thanks for helping me get here."

[rebelseekspizza]

"No problem," Dante said, smiling faintly. "Thanks for putting up with all my shit."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Oooh, that's right," Kathy teased. "You weren't always perfect, were you? Maybe I should stop thinking about how lucky I am that you decided to love me and start remembering how lucky you are that I did the same."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante snickered. "Fucking brat," he said, fingers sliding down to... tickle her.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Nooo!" Kathy flailed, trying to get away. "Ugh, don't punish me for being right! It sends a bad message!"

One day she was going to win a tickle bout. One day.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Aw, no, am I brainwashing you right now?"

Dante's fingers were merciless.

[spin_kick_snap]

Why had she fallen for him again?

"Probably!" she declared, writhing under his hands to no avail. "Ugh, why are you the worst?!"