Barry's Old Warehouse, Warehouse District, Sunday Afternoon

[spin_kick_snap]

So. The island could turn her back into an ex at literally any moment. That was not a thought that was good for Kathy's peace of mind. Being an ex again, for however short a time, had not been good for Kathy's peace of mind. She hadn't been a mindless husk that had seen everything that moved as 'prey,' no, but that was cold comfort when she had spent the day eating brains.

Sharing brains with other people.

Hunting small creatures to get--

Her stomach lurched again, just thinking about it. She hadn't eat much this past week just for that reason. It felt like February all over again, when eating had been a struggle, the very act bringing up memories she didn't want to relive.

Distantly, Kathy knew she should go home, deal with the mess left in her room, deal with the mess that was her life. And she would! She just--couldn't yet. Not while she still felt like this, ten pounds of crazy in a four pound bag. She just needed to get a handle on it--was trying to get a handle on it--and when she did, she'd go home. She'd apologize for worrying everyone, she'd clean up, she'd be okay.

Soon. Just not now.

[Open]

Comments

[spin_kick_snap]

"Because there's usually not enough room in my head for worrying," Kathy said. "I'm thinking--if I'm thinking at all--about how good something feels or if I wanna try something else or about how sexy you or Anders are at that moment."

There was more and she carefully turned the explanation over in her mind a few times before elaborating. "There's also a lot less room for me to screw up there. We're on the same page there. No room for confusion or misunderstandings or mismatched expectations. And even if there were, well, it's kinda hard to say something stupid when my mouth is occupied."

So much less to think about and also less brain to think it with. Perfect.

[rebelseekspizza]

"So how much time are you worrying about like, expectations and shit... usually?" Dante asked, frowning.

[spin_kick_snap]

There was a very, very long pause. before Kathy quietly admitted, "Other than the exceptions you already know about, there is never not a time when I don't have a constant stream of...stuff...in my head. Like the crawl at the bottom of a news channel."

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante sighed.

He leaned forward to kiss her again.

"You don't need that."

[spin_kick_snap]

And that sigh spawned at least four more streams of thought, worries over how much she was boring/annoying/frustrating him. Another that recognized he would hate that she was analyzing his sigh at all. Still another that was happy to point out that this was exactly why she had all the other problems that she did.

It was a deep hole to fall into. She knew; she had before. This time, though, she heave an internal sigh of her own and dragged her attention away, focusing on Dante, letting her thoughts natter away on the edge of her consciousness as they often did.

"Don't really think it's a question of 'need' or not," she said. "It just is. Used to be easier to ignore, back in school."

[rebelseekspizza]

"I don't get it," Dante admitted. "You're cool. And smart."

[spin_kick_snap]

"I'm a mess," Kathy said with a laugh. "And being smart and cool--and at least one of those is up for debate--doesn't take away from the fact that I am a mess."

She frowned up at the ceiling, trying to find the best way to explain. "I guess--you ever read a Choose Your Own Adventure book?"

[rebelseekspizza]

"...Nope."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Remind me to throw one at you sometime," Kathy said. "So, you know the premise, right? You're reading your book, and all of a sudden, you have a choice. You can go left, or right, or straight ahead and each choice tells you to go to a different page. It's like I have that kind of thing running in my head all the time, spinning off different possibilities for everything I do. Or don't do."

She paused. She could leave it there, maybe. Strengthen the walls there, increase the distance.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Okay," Dante said, digesting that. "That can't be easy."

[spin_kick_snap]

"Yeah," she said, sitting up and drawing her knees to her chest. "And that's just the stuff I do. Then there's everyone else and it all just...fractals."

That was an incredibly obtuse way of explaining it, Kath. FYI.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Fractals," Dante echoed.

[spin_kick_snap]

"Patterns that go on for infinity, the same thing over and over again," Kathy explained. "Recursive. From the same root as fractured."

Broken.

Yeah.

Moving on.

"Okay, so...let's take my Choose Your Own Adventure thing from before," she said. "I choose to go forward and there you and Anders are, having a picnic. Now I have to choose--do I go back the way I came so I don't interrupt? Do I join you? But then, on top of my options, I start thinking about the two of you. If I join you, how might you react? What will you think if you catch me turning around instead? Okay, what if I stand there, hesitating between my options? What message is that sending? Does it seem like I'm angling for an invitation? Does that come across as passive-aggressive?" With each possibility, she spoke faster and faster. "How will you respond to my perceived passive-aggressiveness? If it reads as uncertainty, how will that be perceived? Do you know why I am hesitant? Do I know why I'm hesitant? How would each reason for my hesitation come across to you?"

Kathy stopped abruptly, breathing hard. She was not doing a great job of making herself sound sane. Or even stable. "Even right now, I'm talking to you and I'm, like, running equations or something trying to figure out how this is going to affect how you see me," she added, voice slow and quiet again as she looked down at her hands.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante watched her as she spoke, a small frown forming on his face.

"How are you not tired all the fucking time?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"Superball, remember?" Kathy said, expression sardonic though she still wasn't meeting his eyes.

[rebelseekspizza]

"Sounds tiring even for a superball," Dante said quietly.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy shrugged. "Well, you'll notice I'm not really up early in the mornings anymore, going for runs around the island before class."

So...yeah. Tiring. Harder to ignore than when she'd been in school. Harder even than when she'd first come back and everything was about making it through one day and into the next.

[rebelseekspizza]

Dante let out a breath.

Then slid an arm over her, shifting closer.

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy stayed stiff for a moment, her body pulling away from him even though she didn't actually move. One breath, two, three--

And then she was tentatively relaxing, letting him support her.

[rebelseekspizza]

"You gotta relax, Kathy," Dante said softly, his lips scraping past her cheek.

[spin_kick_snap]

"I..." Kathy shook her head, her hair brushing over his skin. "It was different in high school. It was practice. Anything I screwed up there didn't matter. I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. Now--now this is the rest of my life and I already screwed up once. This isn't practice anymore, it's for reals and for keeps and if I screw up again, I might not get another chance to make it right."

And there was so much more than that, but it was all ambiguous feelings that she wasn't sure she knew how to put into words.

[rebelseekspizza]

"I'm not gonna ditch you just because you walk in on me and Anders sometime," Dante said, running his fingers over her hair. "Not gonna drop you because you maybe say the wrong thing sometime. Okay?"

[spin_kick_snap]

"But it's not just not doing the wrong thing," Kathy said, giving him a sad smile. "It's trying to do the best thing, too, don't you see? I don't want to walk in on you so you'll know that I respect what you two have and aren't trying to push in and demand more. I don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt you or upset you because if you're going to have a girlfriend at all, it should be one who cares about your feelings and tries to make you happy. I want to be--"

No, that was too much. Too close to the bone.

"It's like trying to run uphill," she said instead. "Trying not to fall down is important, but if that's all you focus on, you just stay put. You have to try going up, too."

[rebelseekspizza]

Long pause.

"Would it be easier on you if I didn't call you my girlfriend or whatever?" Dante asked, finally. "'Cause you're putting a lot on that."

[spin_kick_snap]

Kathy groaned, flopping over backwards and putting the pillow over her face. She never should have said anything, especially when she knew she couldn't explain it right.

"Do you honestly think I'd care less about your happiness if we were just friends?" she asked, finally removing the pillow but keeping her arm across her eyes.