spin_kick_snap | Explorean Resort, Cozumel, Mexico, Saturday Night

She probably should have expected the nightmares. Raven's text had upended her sense of safety; even thought she wasn't on the island now, knowing that her home was gone and all of her supplies were inaccessible had messed with her pretty hard. Sleep had been long in coming, even as exhausted as she'd been, and when it came, it had brought old friends along with it.

She was back in the basement again. It's where she was kept, when Rodney wasn't using her body, staring at a wall. In the dream, those were the best times, even though she stood silent and unmoving, staring at a crumbling brink, cloudy gray eyes unblinking. Because when she wasn't staring at the wall, it meant Rodney was puppeting her body around, his mind overriding hers, his will dominating her body. She could feel him, like cold oil spreading over her brain and down her nervous system, stealing control away from her. She tried to fight him off, tried to keep him out, but it was no good. Rodney wanted control of her body and he could take it.

"No, no..." she whimpered in the real world, starting to thrash. "Leave me...don't make me...no..."

No matter what she dreamed, Kathy felt like a prisoner in her own mind. When she dreamed of being a free ex, she still had to watch as her body moved of its own volition, attacking anything that moved. Sometimes she killed and ate people. Other times, she remembered the pet store and the mess that had been left when she was done. But those were still better than the Rodney dreams, when she was literally enslaved to his will and he could make her do anything he wanted.

Like now, when he presented her with the bound forms of her friends. Anders. Dante. Eliot. Raven, , stuck in her vulnerable human form. Ringo. Alluka. "You think there's nothing worse than being controlled my me, puta?" Rodney asked, voice coming from her own throat. "Tell you what. Here, I'll let you go. See how you like that."

To her horror, Kathy felt the cold ooze steal back up and out of her body, leaving only the ex behind. And the ex looked at her friends and saw only meat--warm flesh and hot blood. She lunged at the closest of them--Ringo, no, please!--and bit and bit and bit while Rodney's mad laughter rang in her ears and her head.

"It's always in you, girlie. Always. Just waitin' to get out. This is what you are..."

The taste of blood filled her mouth as she struggled up towards consciousness, hitting and kicking and trying to scream but blood, so much blood she was going to choke.

[For the guy with her. Violence and such under the cut.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy wouldn't blame him for it. That was a fear that lingered not very far from her mind, either.

At the touch of his hands on her shoulders, she was finally able to release that scream, jolting her fully awake. And seeing Anders right in front of her like Ringo in the dream had her trying to fling herself backwards, away from him before she could hurt him. "Let me go let me go!" she panicked. "Don't touch me!"

It wasn't you, Anders, honest.

From:

not_every_mage

"I'm not," Anders said, letting his hands fall. "It's -- you're safe."

A sick feeling twisted in his stomach at Kathy's obvious pain, and his own lack of knowledge as to what to do about it.

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy flailed a little more, caught in blankets, before she finally lurched to the other side of the bed, nearly falling off the edge. She stared at him with wide, unblinking eyes.

"Oh god," she said in a hoarse whisper. "Did I--hurt you?" She couldn't say the word bite. She just couldn't. "My mouth tastes like--"

From:

not_every_mage

"Your lip," Anders said, reaching out to dab a cool finger over it. "You must have bit yourself in your sleep. I'm fine, just -- hadn't seen you like that before."

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy flinched when his finger came towards her, then held herself very still as he touched her. His touch was gentle, soft, and made her lip feel better, even though she didn't think he used any magic on it. Maybe it was just him.

"I...sorry," she said, ducking her head. "That was a bad one. Still shaken from earlier, finding out the apartment's busted. That rattled me pretty hard."

It was her safe space. And now she didn't have it anymore, not till it was repaired.

From:

not_every_mage

"Wait, what about the apartment?" Anders asked, suddenly very awake. "Did something happen while I was swimming?"

He hadn't left Kathy alone long, or at least he hadn't meant to. It was so easy to lose track of time on vacation.

From:

spin_kick_snap

"A hurricane filled with sharks hit the island today," Kathy said, in the rueful tones of someone who knew what she'd just said and how ridiculous it sounded. "And some sharks specifically hit Luke's and our apartment. No one's sure just how extensive the damage is, but it's uninhabitable right now."

Kathy laughed, though it was a jagged sound. "On vacation in a private cabana in Mexico, but actually homeless. Surprise!"

From:

not_every_mage

"Well, it's an excuse not to go home," Anders said, shocked into ragged humor. "So good timing, you. But -- sharks? Can't believe the island came up with something new. I'm so sorry."

From:

spin_kick_snap

"I'm just...having some trouble coping," she said, pressing her face into his shoulder. "My apartment was safe. I took steps to make sure it was safe. I was never far from a bag of supplies if I needed to run, I knew exactly how long I could survive locked in each room, I could find every exit with my eyes closed."

This was the kind of mental calculus it took her to feel fully comfortable and at home. And now it was gone.

"I don't have that anymore. And even once it's rebuilt, I'll have a place to live but it won't be safe." That was the work of weeks, maybe even months.

From:

not_every_mage

"I'm sorry," Anders said, pulling her even closer to him for comfort. "What do you think it'd take for you to be someplace else safe?"

From:

spin_kick_snap

"I have to...know it, I guess," Kathy said, tucking herself against his side, a tiny ball of Kathy. "It wasn't something I planned or set out to do deliberately. It just sort of happened. Tucking away bags of supplies in cupboards and drawers and under furniture just made me breathe a little easier. I could fall asleep faster knowing that I had a week's worth of food stashed away in my closet. Sometimes I was able to snap myself out of a panic attack by drawing the layout of the house and planning where I'd run and how I'd get out if something attacked from the front door or the back door or Raven's room."

Oh god, this probably sounded crazy to him.

From:

not_every_mage

Anders stroked Kathy's hair as she talked. He wasn't judging; he was just listening. Besides, he knew he'd criticized Kathy for not opening up too often to waste a chance to see what was really on her mind.

"Would it help to plan now?" he asked. "I know you don't know exactly what it'll be like when we get back to the island, but we can at least think about a few ideas so it's not just a black hole of anxiety."

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy nodded against his side. "The unknown worries me," she said, so far from the girl who'd learned to see everything like an adventure. "I mean, I know I'll be okay on the island. I know this is an irrational fear. There are other empty apartments, and hotel rooms, and Eliot probably insist we stay with them, at least for a bit."

But it wasn't the same and it didn't soothe the part of Kathy that still expected to turn a corner and run into exes again.

And, of course, it wasn't taking into account Eliot's house getting flattened by sharks.

From:

not_every_mage

Anders frowned thoughtfully as he adjusted to this new, more anxious Kathy.

"So say you're staying with Eliot," Anders said, blissfully unaware of what had happened to Eliot's house. "Where would you sleep? Is the room safe?"

From:

spin_kick_snap

If it helped, Kathy didn't much like this new version of herself, either. She was working on it, but every step forward was an uphill battle.

"Like, regular person safe? Or Kathy's crazy safe?" she asked. "I mean, the crew are all masters in their own fields. Logically, I know nothing's going to get into their house that they don't want."

Except for sharks. Awkward.

"But it's not the same. And I can, like, kind of ignore that for a little while? Like how I'm here with you or the night I crashed at Dante's house, but the longer I stay somewhere, the worse it gets. Because I can't let my guard down."

And that was exhausting.

From:

not_every_mage

"I meant Kathy's not-crazy safe, and I wish I could just stay with you and protect you forever," Anders admitted. "But that doesn't solve the real problem, does it?"

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy paused a moment before shaking her head. "I wish that, too, but it doesn't," she said. "It's not a problem you can solve."

She clung to him more tightly. "But I love that you want to and that you're trying to help talk me through it. You can't fix anything, but you might help me find something that does help. I get all...caught up in my head, running around and freaking out. Sometimes I just need someone else to help remind me there are other options, you know? Because I get to the point where I can't see them."

From:

not_every_mage

"I'm not the right kind of healer to wave my fingers and make it all go away," Anders agreed, with some regret. "So, talking is what I have."

He dabbed a finger over her lip. "I could make this go away, though, if you want."

From:

spin_kick_snap

Kathy licked her swollen lip again and winced when her tongue came in contact with the bite. "Could you?" she asked. "Otherwise it's gonna sting for days."

From:

not_every_mage

"You bit yourself hard," Anders agreed, letting the healing energy flow to his fingertips with a buzz of blue light. "Have you ever done something like that in your sleep before?"

From:

spin_kick_snap

"Yeah," Kathy admitted, closing her eyes and letting the energy wash over her. It felt like warmth and comfort. "Consequence of, uhh, bitey dreams. I had to throw out a couple of pillowcases because I bled on them. I'm just lucky it didn't scar."

From:

not_every_mage

"Keep it up and you might need a muzzle," Anders said, though the joking tone was forced. "I wondered if you were dreaming that, you know. The biting."

From:

spin_kick_snap

The word muzzle earned him a slight wince, but it wasn't anything she hadn't thought herself before.

"I was," she said softly. "A basement dream that turned into a bitey dream, the worst of both worlds."

Basement dreams didn't include eating people. Bitey dreams didn't include feeling Rodney's presence in the back of her head and feeling when he took control of her body. This dream featured both.